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Reflections of a Disturbed Mind

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3rd February 2005

6:27pm: Everything's gone...
I cannot find the words myself to describe how I am feeling right now after having everything I knew ripped away from me. Music is the only thing that I can rely on right now to keep me from losing the little sanity that's left. If you want to know what's going on inside of the shell that I cannot break...read on.



there is a game i play
try to make myself okay
try so hard to make the pieces all fit
smash it apart just for the fuck of it

bye bye oooh
got to get back to the bottom
oooh
the big come down isn't that what you wanted?
oooh
find a place with the failed and forgotten
oooh
isn't that really what you wanted now?

there is no place i can go there is no way i can hide
it feels like it keeps coming from the inside

there is a hate that burns within
the most desperate place i have ever been
try to get back to where i'm from
the closer i get the worse it becomes
the closer i get the worse it becomes

there is no place i can go there is no place i can hide
it feels like it keeps coming from the inside
-The Big Come Down, NIN

i hurt myself today
to see if i still feel
i focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but i remember everything

what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt

i wear this crown of shit
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
i cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
i am still right here

what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt

if i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find a way
-hurt, NIN



(terrible lie)
you made me throw it all away
my morals left to decay (terrible lie)
how many you betray
you've taken everything (terrible lie)
my head is filled with disease
my skin is begging you please (terrible lie)
i'm on my hands and knees
i want so much to believe

-excerpt from Terrible Lie, NIN


i used to be so big and strong
i used to know my right from wrong
i used to never be afraid
i used to be somebody
i used to have something inside
now just this hole that's open wide
i used to want it all
i used to be somebody

i'll cross my heart i'll hope to die
but the needle's already in my eye
and all the world's weight is on my back
and i don't even know why
what i used to think was me is just a fading memory
i looked him right in the eye and said "goodbye"
-Down in it, NIN


why's it come as a surprise
to think that i was so naive
maybe didn't mean that much
but it meant everything to me

that's what i get
-That's what I get, NIN


perfect little dream
the kind that hurts the most
forgot how it feels
well almost
no one to blame
always the same
open my eyes
wake up
wake up
wake up
wake up
wake up in flames

smashed up my sanity
smashed up integrity
smashed up what i believed in
smashed up what's left of me
smashed up my everything
smashed up all that was true
gonna smash myself to pieces
i don't know what else to do

covered with hope and vaseline
still cannot fix this broken machine
watching the hole it used to be mine
just watching it burn in my steady systematic decline
of the trust i will betray
give it to me i throw it away
after everything i've done
i hate myself for what i've become

-excerpts from gave up, NIN

I recall a scent of you when everything was fine.
I remember all the words stuck inside my mind.
Cause all the promises where nothing else but lies.
I don´t have to look at you to see it n your eyes.

I see right through you
everything is broken
I see right through you
everything´s gone

Every time I close my eyes I picture you inside
Though I know I´ve lost it all, forever you´ll be mine
But all the fears inside me left me with your lies
I just have to look at you to see it in your eyes

I see right through you
everything is broken
I see right through you
everything´s gone
I see right through you...

Now I´m leaving this behind
I´ll erase you from my mind
you where never ment to be mine

Cause all the promises where nothing else but lies.
I don´t have to look at you to see it n your eyes.

I see right through you
everything is broken
I see right through you
everything´s gone
I see right through you
everything is broken
I see right through you
-Right Through You, Drain STH

Led astray, by their mock sincerity
false charity, condemned, chewing insults,
inheriting unwarranted birth right,
crown a scapegoat, new king of shit
ignorance is followed by ignorance,
repetition, diminishing senses, defenseless, crippled libido.

-Mushroomhead
Current Mood: destroyed

24th November 2004

6:44pm: Dun Dun Dun.....


Yes...due to a recent unprovoked violation of my privacy, I've taken the plunge that so many LJ users have before me. I've entered the world of "friends only". Therefore, the majority of my posts, give or take one or two, will be locked from the public from now on.

If you would like to be added, comment on this entry.Those on the list: I will most likely be keeping the friends I have now, but if you want total assurance that you'll remain on my FL, you can comment too. ^_^

(BTW, the art is my newest. ^_^)

16th November 2004

6:28pm: I guess I'll find you in the city...
Things are infinitely better in many ways. There's been a lot of ups and downs since my last entry...but things have gotten a bit better now. For now. I can't even see what will come in the next few days...my life is so unpredictable.

Steph, Brittany and I have been hanging out lately. Well...twice in a week. I have a lot of fun with them both...I missed having friends and a life! ^^;; Steph and I dressed Britt in her (steph's) clothes on Saturday. She's so pretty under all the man clothes! It was quite shocking.

Yesterday the CAP language classes all went to UWO to attend a class. The German class was extremely boring and hard to follow. But Britt, Bailey and I had fun fucking around in the cafe place. Many inside jokes were born and it was a great time overall.

Things with Travis are confusing. He's said he's made up his mind...but I think that he still wants to be with Nicole. I don't resent it anymore...nor do I hate her. I talked to her Sunday night on the phone for a bit...just to get her side of things. Apparently, she only likes him as a friend...and that's all they'll ever be.

So only after he talked to Nicole (went there at 11pm), did he tell me that things were okay and that he wanted to be with me. I got what I wanted...but I can't help feeling like a second choice. *sigh* And I don't want him to just pick me out of obligation. I want him to be happy...even if that sacrifices my felicity.

Anyway...right now I'm just trying to focus on my schoolwork and my friends. I still think of him every other minute...but at least that's a bit less frequently. *sigh*

I've just come across Nick Gauthier's purevolume site (actually, I found his LJ first, which led me to the music site)...this kid is so fucking talented!!! These songs...they're really really amazing. The music is so compelling, the lyrics are deep and meaningful, and his voice is adorable! I just can't believe he did it all himself! I'm so incredibly amazed right now. This kid needs a CD...I would buy 10 copies.

This leads me to want to compliment him on his work...but that makes me feel like a total geek...I'd just go up to him and be like "Oh man, I love your solo work!" And he'd like like..."WTF? Who are you? 0.o;;" And then I'd hide in a corner. AHAHA THAT'D BE SWELL.

Ahem..so anyway...I've actually run out of crap to rant about. This music makes me want to paint...or write...
Current Mood: creative

9th November 2004

7:19pm: WARNING...I'm extremely depressed and pathetic. Proceed with caution.
So let's see...my life is falling apart...as well as my sanity.

Gary and I broke up...we've decided to just try being friends. I finally summoned up the strength to talk to him about it. Before things got any more serious then they were, if such a thing is possible.

So that night...Trav and I hung out. After he had told me he was so confused about who he cares about...Nicole or me. So he said he wished he could just kiss me. So we did kiss. And he told me it was all pretty much settled now. That he didn't want any relationship at this point...and that we should just date other people, having some time to ourselves before we were to ever try being together again. We promised no sex with anyone...for that's just a slutty thing to do. Everything seemed fine. Until yesterday...when he started out with being dishonest with me. He wouldn't tell me why he had to abruptly leave our phone conversation until I dragged it out of him. He went to Nicole's. I was angry...mainly because he was dishonest....and I hate lying. But I called later and appologized for overreacting. After band practice, he came over. I helped him study for Chem, for we had a test today. He had no clue what was really going on in the class...we went through my notes, I tried to keep him awake. Then...we finished. We started to kiss...things got heavier...we did things. He....came in my HAIR! It was gross...but an accident. Afterwards, I told him he couldn't just fuck around with both of us (nicole and I). He said he knew...but he was confused. Basically...now he's telling me he NEEDS to be with someone else, because I got my time with Gary. Now he's entitled to fuck around with Nicole. And his mom thinks I'm fucking manipulating him?! WHO'S THE ONE FUCKING WITH WHO HERE? He fucks around with me, says he loves me, tells me he never feels this way with anyone else...and then turns around and tells me he needs to fuck around with Nicole. Right...

He's totally acting like he doesn't give a shit about me. I had a nervous breakdown in front of him...sobbing until I started gagging violently. I just feel like he's telling me what I want to hear all the time, and that he doesn't ever want to be with me. While that fact hurts, the biggest thing is that he just won't come out and tell me.

Mom heard me crying in the shower. She demanded I tell her everything...then ripped my sleeves up and revealed the gouges fresh from last week. Instead of crying and worrying and sympathisizing, she told me she didn't understand why I was so upset and that I seemed to have been so fine, and that I was overreacting. She just started yelling. This morning, after dragging me out of bed ( I finally fell asleep at 3am, after sobbing for 5 hours straight), she had the nerve to worry about my fucking grades falling, telling me I shouldn't let my feelings get in the way of my school work.

Then..to make matters worse...I get to school, feeling like death. Lunch rolls around, everythings fine. All of a sudden, Brett and Nicole come over...and soon she's sitting next to Travis...and everyone, knowing how I was feeling, fucking ignored my presence. I couldn't take it anymore, and got up and walked off. I walked into the hall and huddled in a corner....no one cared. I got to German...Bailey and Britt who had seen me leave and knew I was upset....they didn't even fucking look at me. Steph acted like nothing had happened. And Travis got mad at me and told me that he didn't do anything wrong. But he didn't do anything right either. He didn't even try to see if I was okay. He's only thinking of himself again...as always.

I just want to laugh at the irony of this all. Talk about fucking kharma. I hate myself. I now realize how shitty he was feeling. How insensitive I was those first 3 weeks after I broke it off, even if I did make up for it when I got back home. I guess I deserve all of this...it just doesn't make anything any easier.

I'm so sick of feeling like this. I hate being so fucking pathetic. That's what I am. A pathetic existance...relying on a man for any shreds of fleeting false happiness he throws at me. I thirst for it. I thirst for anything I can have. I've never been in this situation and I don't know how to deal with it.

Once again, my life sucks ass. I hate it. I want to take it...but I can't because of 3 promises that I cannot break. Though I seriously think Travis would just be better off if I were gone.
Current Mood: death

2nd November 2004

2:06pm: No more nights, no more pain.
Okay so I haven't updated in a LONG time. But it happens. Life gets too hectic and I can't always find time to write. I would write about my halloween, or other crap that's happened in the past 2 weeks, but the last few days have been too shitty. And I feel that I should write about them...since this journal is mainly to let out my feelings.

Sunday I got home...called Travis because he told me to call him. He was at Nicole's (Brett's ex-girlfriend. Brett is a friend of Trav's, whom I've recently started talking to) and said he'd call me back. So I waited. He called. Nicole and Brett broke up. Apparently, he'd been consoling her all weekend. Apparently they were getting along great because they're both pathetic fucking losers who sob with each other because they can't have what they want. Wow...so sad.

Me: So you like Nicole now, huh?
Trav: No, she's just a friend.
Me: Suuure...
Trav: No really...we just share a common problem. It's easy to talk to her, since she's going through the same thing.
Me: Yeah, whatever.

Monday went fine. I had practically no homework, so I hinted at Travis about it, who responded that he had band practice. So I went home...bored as all hell. Finally called him at 11:30pm because he hadn't called yet.

Trav: I had the best day that I've had in a long time!
Me: Oh?
Trav: Yeah, band practice went well...and then Nicole and I hung out for a long time and just talked for hours.
Me: Oh...that's nice.
Trav: Yeah, I guess I do really like Nicole. And she really likes me.
Me: Wow...you're fucking transparent.
Trav: What do you mean?
Me: I just confronted you on that the other night. You lied. Again.
Trav: Whatever.
Me: You're a fucking hypocrite too. I'm glad you always talk about how hurt you were when John went after Trista and always claim that it's the shittiest thing you can do. And now you're doing it to Brett. Wow. You're so fucking transparent.
Trav: *whining*
Me: Whatever. I'll just go, so I don't dampen your perfect evening.

So I hung up...and cried. Yes...I'm stupid. Why did I cry about it? Why am I so mad? Is it just because I think it's a really shitty thing to do to Brett? Or is it because I slowly feel my best friend slipping away?

I'm not sure. I think it's all of the above.

I also did something really stupid...but no one noticed.

We had a half-day today. I asked Trav what he was doing afterschool...so we could hang out since we haven't since last friday. Guess who he already had plans with?

So I said fuck it. I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself. I don't want to go home and sit all day by myself and cry. So Britt, Ben and I all walked to Taco Bell and shot the shit for an hour and a half. It was fun. But I still feel empty. I feel like I just want to dig myself a hole and never come out.
Current Mood: depressed

19th October 2004

8:29pm: Homecoming, icons...ect.
HOMECOMING ROCKED! I don't feel like typing it all out...so I'll just say this...I had a blast!

I promised icons. I've only had the chance to make a few tonight. I have a few left...but here are some.

For posiingforsane


For lobo_solitario


For ashes1024


Trav's being dramatic again. He's stressed over Britt....who apparently doesn't like him...

I finally told him straight out that I would not approve of him dating Britt, even if she wanted to. I told him that while I'd be happy if they were happy together, that I would not be able to hang around them AT ALL.

HOPEFULLY...if all this drama stops and dies...Bailey, her b/f Jason, Jasmine, Britt, Trav, and I (possibly Gary) will be going to The Grudge on Friday. I can't wait to see that movie! *squee*

Okay...so two more icons...should be done by the end of this week or so. If that.
Current Mood: annoyed

15th October 2004

11:36pm: Schmiermittel
Woo...so...haven't written for awhile.

Today (yes...the day BEFORE HOMECOMING) I went shopping with my mom. And got an outfit...for homecoming...which I think looks halfway-decent. I am afraid I will be a bit dressed down...and then again, I don't really give a shit. I'm just out to have fun....if that's possible.

Eric's picking me up at 3pm...that's freaking early! It's going to be awkward, I just know it. Because...well...Eric and I talk and everything, but usually with other people around. And I dunno...one-on-one might turn out to be disasterous. We're going to Nikki's at 3pm...dunno what's going on there...hopefully I don't end up standing around silent like a mofo. Wooo...Then I guess we're off to Jamie's house...for some reason...oh yeah! Pictures! Yeeeey....-_-;;

Then...to dinner...then to the dance...then to Eric's, possibly.

Tonight was fun. Trav picked me up. We went to the blue moon, left cause it was stupid, went to beaners, drank coffee, played quiz trivia games...walked the ave for no reason while I spoke entirely in German the whole time to Travis....who doesn't know a lick of it. It was fun. I got here...Britta and I talked on the net in german...and now I'm here.


But I must go to bed now...for I have to get up quite early tomorrow. I'm so exhausted. Wish me luck!

Oh yeah...and as soon as I can (i.e. sunday), I'm making all the icons for the people who commented on my last entry. So expect those within the next few days.
Current Mood: exhausted

11th October 2004

3:11pm: Nice-u spike-u
So I stayed home from school AGAIN today. Which sucks because I have so much crap to do for make-up homework from last week. But I'll survive (I hope). I missed my german test...ehhhhh ><;;

Weekend was fun. Jasmine and I caught up...played video games. The usual. I really missed her a lot...and continue to do so now that she's gone again for god knows how long.

I have this itching urge to draw some sort of boysmut. Or DOA Beach volleyball shoujo-ai. If only I didn't have so many essays to write and so much damn physics homework.

Oh K-chan...I'm happy that you've finally made your decision and that you're content now. *huggles* You did the right thing...

Below gacked from princess_bulma:

Comment on this entry and I'll pick one of your LJ interests and make you an icon.
You have no say in what I make an icon of!


Give me a bit of time on the above. I'll get to work on any as soon as possible. ^_^

Now that I'm thinking of interests...I need to update mine. They're a bit out of date. o.o;;;

That's all for now. Sorry for the boring update.
Current Mood: busy

8th October 2004

11:02pm: He's gonna find out who's a fucker....(translation: random meme)
If LJ Was a High School by Karen_Walker
Username
Principalprincess_bulma
Lunch Ladyetidthursfata
Head Cheerleaderfyrelion
Quarterbackshinigamitenshi
Prom Queencriscocat
Gang Memberhikaridonya
Band Geekdrewclid
Theatre Geeklobo_solitario
Chess Club Captainkoshiroryuu
Loner Goth Kidposiingforsane
Class Clown487
Quiz created with MemeGen!


Your LJ Prison by redfrog021
Username
Favorite Deadly Sin
You are convicted ofYou Have a Mullet; FASHION FELONY!!!!
And sentenced to5 years
Wardenp3enis_
Abusive redneck guardetidthursfata
Easy to bribe guardmi_happy_ending
Cellmateakai_laputa
Wants to make you their bitchimperfectkatoru
Drops soap in the shower on purposecriscocat
Works in the laundry and smells people's undieslobo_solitario
Comes to see you for 'conjugal visits'drewclid
Quiz created with MemeGen!



What stupid celebrity are you destined to kill? by daydreamer8852
Name
Birthdate
You killed
With a
OnAugust 22, 2018
Quiz created with MemeGen!


Awww not Culkin! XD So weird that I got this result...as I just watched Party Monsters yesterday.

Who will you be stuck with at end of time? by chi_a_baidh
Your name is
Your sex is
Your favorite color is
You are stuck there becauseyou were frozen in ice/a crystal
For _____ years27
With Oprah Winfrey. Click for pic.
He/She will think you arehorny
You willkill yourself
Quiz created with MemeGen!


Hahah The O.


So...now that my layout is probably fucked up from memes for the next 10 entries....

Jasmine will be coming over to hang with me tomorrow. I miss her SO MUCH. *spasms*

And today was teh boring crap.
Current Mood: amused

7th October 2004

11:12pm: Come be my little whore...
So I'm a naughty SLACKER...and I should be working on my AP US homework...but I'm not. I actually should be sleeping...but I'm not.

I died Tuesday and Wednesday, but I'm better now. Side effects SUCK.

Gary was over today. We had fun goofing around being stupid as usual. A lot of it was me doing my homework...since I have 5000 years worth to do from the days I was sick. BLAH. I hate school.

Trav got his license! Yay! I have a way around now! XD I'm TEH MOOCH. Oh well...I have good intentions.

Mike has an LJ. This is odd to me..cause I just assumed that Ash and I were the only MHS students who had one...since the whole XANGA revolution. Never wanted a xanga. *shrug* I guess I've started a LJ revolution. Not really, but we can pretend.

I'm worried about a few things. Mainly...Eric. He was acting very peculiar today at school. Like...he doesn't talk to me as much...He just wasn't his usual self. And I'm guessing he'll be gone tomorrow for student council...so I can't talk to him. I'm worried. Things just aren't the same lately.

And Steph was being a MONSTROUS bitch to me today. Not what I needed at all. But I suppose...she's sick and under a lot of stress. God knows I could never stay upset with her. I love her too much.

I need some new music. I need some new CDs. I need more money. BLah....I'm poor once again. I had 25 bucks to spend on whatever I felt...and so I bought a fundip...and soda...and a beef jerky the other day...and chipped in for pizza....what the hell? I have like 8 bucks left...I was going to buy the Dimmu Borgir CD...I'm a moron.

Okay...so it's time to braid my hair and go to SLEEP. Which I hope I get more of tonight.
Current Mood: dorky

3rd October 2004

10:23pm: Lots has happened. I don't have enough time to type it all out now, since it's past my bed time. ^^;;;


I promise to spill tomorrow after school. It will be locked and protected.
Current Mood: content

29th September 2004

4:28pm: I am the tiny worms.
Okay...not much is going on at the moment. Just a few things worth mentioning.

I saw K-chan yesterday! After like a week or two of not hearing from/talking to her it was really nice. And I met her new boyfriend Allen. He's so CUTE! And the most direct and outgoing of her boyfriends that I've met. Lol...the whole two...that I've met. ^^;;; I'm very proud of her! And he's so cool. I'm sure he'll treat her right. And if he doesn't...of course he'll get a beating from more than just me. ^_^

I've got one more episode of the L word to watch and then I'm done with Season One. I don't think I can handle that. I NEED the new season! I'll be starved....from that drama I crave. I can't handle that. ><;;;

I'm going to Bear Creek this weekend again...and I'm rather mixed up about it. I just...hope that everything goes okay. Otherwise...I may have to do something I don't want to. I actually don't want to go for once. Not because of my feelings...mainly because Trav's at his dad's so we could've hung out, and Ash's parents are gone for awhile...so we could've hung out. The latter is the main reason. I miss her so much! I'm sure we'd have so much fun....I dunno, maybe I'll just go for a day and come back Saturday...we'll see.

I've got so much homework tonight...so I should go and do it! This entry was so boring. Sorry all. ><;;
Current Mood: bored

26th September 2004

5:51pm: I'll come inside for her.
Omg...I have a new obsession....


The L word roxx0rz. I'm only on episode 6 and I'm hooked.


Other than this...let's seeeeee.

1. Friday went horribly. I had to drag Travis up the stairs...and the rest of the time he just sat there and answered my questions with one word sentances in the worst monotone ever. I called him yesterday...so we could hang out, and of course...he says he can't handle being around Gary and I. So GREAT. My life fucking sucks.

2. I'm still worried about teh homecoming thing. For one, I have no funds. No dress. No hairdresser. No money for tickets. WHHHEEEE. I won't have any money until the 3rd. I'm so screwed.

3. It's dawned on me how fucked up that night will be...when I see Britt and Travis together.

4. I have tormented myself by reading old notes last night from Steph, Ash, and Amee. What's wrong with me? As soon as I've let things go, I return to the past again. But I'm actually doing better than I thought.

5. I've entertained thoughts of just going to Homecoming in a suit. And woeing all the other boy's dates. XD

6. I called Travis at 5 and he was at work. I asked him if he wanted to hang out or something tonight...and he's like...well do you want to come with me? And I was like what? And yeah...apparently he's going with Britt to Park Central at 9 tonight. That's great. Fucking great.

7. I've had scary thoughts all weekend....I wonder if I rushed into this relationship with Gary. I feel like I should've taken some time to be single. I know he'd probably be hurt, but understanding if I talked to him. But I'm still not sure what I feel.

8. I'm hungry...have 0 food in the house. RAMEN TIME.

The End. I feel like shit. My life is fucked up. Shoot me now.
Current Mood: crappy

24th September 2004

3:52pm: Like a Rock...Aohhh
So...things are strange.

I'll start off with the comic I drew all day today...took me about 20 mins total.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v132/psycho_juu_chan/morningbusridecomic.jpg

Yes...another Barbie freshman sat by me on the bus...So the above scene was playing in my head the whole time. Instead of hurting someone and ultimately getting kicked out of school...I drew out my frustrations.

Other main thing that I must talk about.......................

I don't want to go to homecoming. I haven't wanted to go. I never will want to go. But...Eric O. asked me today. And I said yes.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Yeah, he's a great friend. He's funny, we have fun together. But I dunno...I just really don't want to go...nothing against him. But...apparently I am going.
Current Mood: distressed

22nd September 2004

4:04pm: Kinda I want to.
Hmm. So I'm sorry for the lack of updates. Homework has overtaken my existance. Along with the small bits of sleep interspersed in there.
Let's see what's new?

1. Wrote a letter to Sam on Sunday night about our lack of communication and his weird behavior toward me. He called me yesterday and explained briefly that he's not mad or anything at me, he just sees me with Steph all the time, and doesn't want to talk to her therefore doesn't approach me. I'm not sure whether I believe all that or not.

2. Travis is going to Homecoming with Brittany. ><;;;

3. Spent last weekend with Gary, my cousin, Hobbit, and my aunt. Mostly with Gary of course. We're doing well I guess.

4. Had my first misunderstanding/mini fight with Gary about the past. Which was stupid and pointless.

5. Travis and Gary are going to meet on Friday when Gary comes to visit. Not sure how things will go there.

6. I have major amounts of homework every night and am up until at least 11pm every night trying to finish it. I still do homework all day long in school.

7. I don't hate physics. I got moved next to Eric...so it's all good.

8. My friend Kali and I got into a fight today in german. I'll put my explanation to gary (IM convo) under a cut to explain.

Read more...Collapse )

And that's about it. Travis and I are still trying to deal with things. He still cries everytime we hang out alone.

Britt's german exchange student Kathi is really cool.

I hope I don't get dragged to homecoming this year.

I miss K-chan. And Gina. K-chan never even calls me anymore. BLAH.
Current Mood: stressed

12th September 2004

12:07pm: (insert subject here)
I'm in Bear Creek at the moment. Mainly waiting for my Grandma to get here and pick me up.

My weekend was good. Spent a lot of time with Gary. Slept a lot. Only one bad thing...I'm sick.

Travis came over afterschool on Friday to hang out before I had to leave. It was an angsty visit, with both of us in depressed moods. I found out a certain someone is giving him drugs...which is disappointing. He almost kissed me again, but he actually admitted and stopped himself before he did. Thing is...I'm not sure what I would've done. That's what scares me. I'm not sure if I'd push him away.

So once again, I've gone nowhere with my feelings. I still can't figure out what I want, or why I'm feeling like crap everytime he mentions a girl, or flirts in my face. I hope this passes soon, because I'm sick of all this fucking drama.
Current Mood: groggy

8th September 2004

9:43pm: I wish that I could hold you.
So life is confusing at the moment.

I guess I should write about school. I hate my physics class. There's not many people in there that I know, and even less that I'd actually talk to. I'm also not sure why I chose to take it because I hate math, and it's like another math class. Umm.. AP US History sucks balls too. It's pretty difficult. Other than those two classes, I'm doing okay so far.

I got stranded in Bear Creek yesterday. Spent most of the day with my Aunt shopping and running errands. Then we picked up Gary and we all watched some movies, both of which I've seen. But I just enjoyed being with Gary until I had to leave.

This morning I attempted to catch the bus for the first time this year. Went out at 7:00...waited 45 minutes. Bus never came. So I missed first hour and had my mother pissed at me because she had to take me to school.

Confusion...my fucked up feelingsCollapse )

Yeah, I'm screwed up. Today was fun-ish. Afterschool, I went to Trav's to hang out with him before he had to work. Things were going okay, until I had him listen to an evanescence song. I guess it made him really depressed (me too, actually) and he freaked out again. So I was hugging him and stuff, trying to make it better. I swear 3 times I thought he was going to kiss me. And it scared me. Cause I really do care a lot about Gary. But I just wonder what I'd do if Travis did try something. I wonder if I'd resist. I'm a mess right now, so forgive me if I sound like a cold-hearted bitch. I'm not...I'm just fucked up.

I should split fast though...I have a lot of Pre-calculus homework, and Physics II homework. Which I'm looking so forward to. x_X;;
Current Mood: distressed

1st September 2004

10:27pm: Bruderlein, komm halt mich fest.
Yesterday was a bit disasterous. We went to the movie (dodgeball, fucking hilarious) and everything seemed fine. Jenny hooked us up with some free popcorn, which was teh cool! (I love teh Jenny!) So anyway, everything was great, the movie was great, we were getting along just fine. Then, we started walking back to my house, when Trav gradually inched towards me. I looked at the sky, trying to ignore this, and exclaimed that the moon was beautiful (I'm fascinated with the sky and the moon). He like...came up behind me and grabbed me around the shoulders and pulled me against him. I shrugged him off awkwardly, and tried again to ignore it. He did it a second time, then a third when finally I told him to get off of me, quite coldly. So...we ended up sitting under a tree in my yard talking, him crying and freaking out. He also asked if we could try things again, for one day. I told him a firm no. I asked if maybe it'd be easier on him if we just didn't hang out for a little while. Apparently that won't work for him.

Today, I got up at 10:30am and Trav and I went to Shanghai buffet to eat. It was Mmm good, but I couldn't eat that much cause my stomach bag has shrunk. This frustrated me, cause the food is delicious there. Things went better today. This was his last chance at hanging out alone and things went well. I still wonder if maybe we should lay off a bit for awhile. Until he gets over me completely.

Gary called me today! I was so excited and happy I almost passed out. I answered the phone and had to ask who it was because I was in shock. Yeah, he makes me crazy even on the phone. I guess he and his mom might be picking me up afterschool on Friday and taking me to their house in New London. *squeal* I'm so happy! I can't wait. It's the only thing I have to look forward to.

So school actually starts tomorrow. I had thought it was monday, then today...but no, it's tomorrow. I'm a bit nervous, because I didn't do my summer homework for AP Lit. and Comp. And...I've taken a lot of hard courses. Here's my schedule for reference.

Hour 1: AP Lit and Comp (college level course)
Hour 2: Pre-calculus
Hour 3: Chemistry II
Hour 4: Study Hall
Hour 5: Lunch
Hour 6: AP German 5 (college level course)
Hour 7: AP U.S. History (college level course)
Hour 8: Physics II

Yeah...really fun stuff. So...let's wish me luck for tomorrow. I hope things go well.
Current Mood: anxious

31st August 2004

6:12pm: Kuss mich, auf meine feuchte lippen.
~~~Oh Semagic, you can be such a bitch sometimes, but oh how I've missed you! ~~~

Yes...Amanda is finally home! *dun dun dun* It's good to be home, but I can't stop thinking of Gary...Speaking of whom....

Sunday/nightCollapse )

Yesterday, I got up at 10:30am (a whole 4 hours of sleep x_x;;;) and showered. Adam, Gary and Hobbit went to band practice. I got out of the shower, did my hair, listened to music until 2pm and fell asleep till five, when Gary and Adam finally got home. They had went to the mall without me, which really pissed me off cause I was going to get a few shirts from hot topic.

Hobbit, Gary, Adam, and I went to little cesar's and then to Amanda's apartment. We hung there for awhile and then headed for media play. We were there for a bit, Adam couldn't find the Dark Tranquility cd he wanted, so we went to Best Buy. They didn't have it either, so at 8:45pm we went to the mall (which closes at 9) and into FYE where he finally found what he wanted.

Then I came home. Gary promised to call me later. I called Trav as soon as I got inside. He came over. We cried. We talked. We hugged. It was really sad and intense. I finally got him calmed a bit, and we had a final kiss. It was a bit of closure I suppose. I will grudgingly admit Travis is a better kisser than Gary. ^^;;;;;

I stayed up, talking on the internet for a bit. I then went to bed and waited till 3 for Gary to call. But I eventually fell asleep without a call. Got up today at
11:30am, took a shower, listened to music, got a call from Gary (talked for about 3 minutes about random things), talked to Trav. I guess Trav and I are going to see a movie around 9 tonight at teh cheap seats. That should be interesting.

I really miss Gary a lot. I can't stop thinking about him. I can't stop worrying...that I'll never see him again. That he won't call me. That we'll lose touch. That he doesn't like me. I dunno...my mind works like that. Always thinking the worst. Hopefully I'll be getting to Bear Creek again for Labor Day weekend. So I'll see him then.

I feel like crying. I feel like just falling over and crying. I don't know why.
Current Mood: weird

28th August 2004

1:56am: The first kiss...DUN DUN DUN
Today started off badish. Then it got better and better. This'll go under a cut...cause It may get pretty lengthy.

The kissCollapse )

Whew...that was long. So...an amazing night. And one of my last here. I'm going back home Sunday. And...I'm still confused. I haven't figured out what I want yet. I know I care a lot about Gary...and I know that I'll kick myself if I don't take this chance. But I've also just gotten out of a year and 7 month relationship...and I'm not sure if I should stay single for a little while before getting into another relationship. Yeah CONFUSION. But a good night. If only school didn't start Monday, my life would be perfect. And Trav was happy. And I got to see K-chan. BLAH RAMBLE.
Current Mood: dorky

27th August 2004

2:02am: Yet more...from Bear Creek.
SO....let's seee....I don't feel like writing a novel (prolly will anyway).

Katie doesn't hate me. YAY! ^__^ This makes me very happy.

Gary and I...were actually "cuddling" yesterday.

Yesterday/last nightCollapse )

Today...was interesting. Gary and I were on teh couch, Krystal was on a chair, and Hobbit was in teh recliner. We all watched Evil Dead, then Adam put Once Upon A Time in Mexico in teh dvd player, and so I decided to take a nap. I snuggled against Gary's shoulder and konked out. Woke up, begged Adam to take me to Subway. I got a meatball sub.

We pulled up, and Gary was outside on the phone. I had a feeling who it was, and just went inside. I ate. Gary came in. I asked who it was. He said Brandi (his g/f). So yeah...I was a little ticked off, but I trust him to tell me if anything important were to happen. But...I was still off in my little world, my mind conjuring up the worst things that could happen. What they could have been talking about. I'm still curious, but it's not my business.

Gary said he'll cry when I leave. I think he was joking...^^;;

I'm really confused about everything. I really don't know what I want right now. I love it whenever I'm around Gary, and I know I'm crazy about him. But I just don't know if another relationship this soon is good for me. I just don't know.

Car ride to Gary's tonightCollapse )

I guess...my cousin Jolene has informed me that my mom wants me to stay here until Saturday now. I guess she's coming here to watch my aunt sing in a Kareoke Contest. So...I'm here for longer. And I've yet to go school shopping. Or read the books I was supposed to for my Comp. and Lit class. -_-;; I'm not ready for school on Monday. *flails*

I'm in need of some sleep now. So I'll be going. Yet another huge entry...that I'd be flattered if anyone actually read. ^^;;;

Much <3, as always.
Current Mood: happeh ^^

25th August 2004

2:48am: My life is a rollercoaster.
So...the inevitable...Trav's mom and sister hate me at the moment. I'm not surprised about his mom, but the fact that Katie hates me...is something that's hard to deal with.

Travis blew up at me last night. It's okay though, he needed to get it out. I'm surprised he didn't sooner.

I feel like such a bad person...to be having fun, while my best friend is suffering. He's still in my mind, but I realise it hurts more to dwell on it.

I'll talk about Gary, who coupled with Adam and Trevor, is the only happy thing in my life right now.

Shy affectionCollapse )


That was...weird. Mostly pure emotions.

Special thingsCollapse )

Jeez...writing about Gary makes me all poetic or something. I'm such a mushy sap!

So...yes...I'm ecstatic whenever Gary's around, and yet as soon as he leaves, reality comes rushing back. And I have to deal with the darkness at the back of my mind.
Current Mood: calm

23rd August 2004

3:22am: Wheee. ^_^ ~~~~Gary~~~~
Here I go again, with my sudden mood changes. I'm a happy gal at teh moment. I have a slight case of insomnia, so I'll type this out instead of waiting till later.

*squee* Happy Gary stuffsCollapse )

Yes. So, I got home. And the whole while, on my way here, I knew I had to call him. I hopped online, to talk to Travis quick, cause Adam was talking to Amanda on the phone. He got off, came in here, and I asked him Gary's number. I was about to sign off and call, when Adam came in and told me Shad and he were going to Burger King, and asked if I'd come along. So I did. Then, we got home, Adam called Gary's house for me (I don't know his mom) and Gary and I talked for about two hours.

The scoopCollapse )

That's about it. A very happy and eventful day. I haven't felt like a 10 year old gradeschool girl in so long! *sigh* XD

Much <3
Current Mood: ecstatic

21st August 2004

9:12pm: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *angst*
SO...AMANDA'S REALLY...

1. Pissed off.
2. Confused.

First, I guess I'll post what happened today...

Got up, went to band practice, left, went to mcdonald's. Came back here. Watched CKY vids with Gary. Left for Zack's house.
(His sister's surprise bday party was today, and they had to play)
THE CAR RIDECollapse )

So...I was happy we talked. I'm happy he likes talking with me. I'm happy he'll be bored when I'm gone. I'm happy he would give me his number. Yeah...I WAS happy.

The partyCollapse )

I admit, I am a tad bit jealous. Or...well...really mad fucking jealous. But, I would've been (sorta) okay with it, if he would have had the decency to at least not make out with her in FRONT OF ME. I don't expect him to leave her for me. But I expected him to care a bit more about my feelings. But no. Of course not. I finally find someone who truly fucking facinates me. Who I could talk to for hours, about actual relevant things. Why did I fucking expect things to go right?!

Again..I appologise for such a long entry. But I really...need to write about it. To vent. To fucking kill something.
Current Mood: infuriated
1:08am: Lots...of...shiz
SO...the biggest news ever in the whole world??!?!

I sorta...told Trav I need a break. Cause I really do. It was so hard...But I'm hoping this will help rekindle what feelings I had toward him. If it doesn't, than at least I stopped it early-ish, so it won't hurt so much later.

What made me realise I need thisCollapse )

First off, I want to say that I don't want this to change a few things. I consider, and have for awhile, Katie and Gina my *friends*. Not my "boyfriend's" sister and her friend. I don't care if I'm older, I have a lot of fun hanging with them. And I just hope that Katie won't hate me or anything. She has a right to be mad...since I am hurting her brother. But I guess, this will test more things than one. It'll test whether she and Gina actually consider me a friend.

Also, I still will be there for him. I want to be his friend. I don't want to sever all ties, cause I think that will just be too hard. He was a friend first, and I'd like it to stay that way.

I was going to write my dreams down, and more about Gary, but this is too major right now. It's the main thing that's happening.

What I do want to make clear is that...I feel good. Not about hurting him, but I feel good that I actually went through with it. I know I need a break from that relationship. I know I need some time for me. I know I need some time to grow up. And I really feel great. A big weight...has just lifted off of my shoulders. AMANDA'S SINGLE. *goes crazy*

Much <3
Current Mood: good
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